


On the Outside Looking In

by Irhaboggles



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Lone Wolf, Maid, One Shot, Reflection, V3 - Freeform, dr, drv3 - Freeform, kirumi - Freeform, tojo - Freeform, ultimate maid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29412237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: Kirumi Tojo had spent all her life on the outside looking in. Whether because of her shy disposition, or her role as Ultimate Maid, it seemed that the maid was destined to always stand a little alone and a little apart from everyone else. It was a melancholy fate, but it was all she knew.
Kudos: 3





	On the Outside Looking In

Kirumi Tojo had spent all her life on the outside looking in. First, it was her naturally shy disposition that held her back. Then it because of her status as an Ultimate. And then it was because of _what_ her Ultimate Talent was _for_ : service. With a talent, no, a _life_ like that, Kirumi had never needed to be anywhere else _except_ on the outside looking in. But as useful as such a position could be, it wasn't always all that fun.

Because of her continual isolation from her peers, Kirumi Tojo had never been very good at socializing with them. Sure, she knew how to carry on the occasional conversation, but it was painfully clear that she was unable to _connect_ with them. And this was only made worse by her well-intentioned, but misguided, belief that the best version of herself was the one so objective that it lacked its own thoughts, opinions and desires. Whether she knew it or not, by repressing herself so very much, Kirumi was sabotaging her own personality. And without a personality, there was absolutely no hope of her being able to relate to the others.

Similarly, although the maid was good at _controlling_ her emotions, that was about all she could do. She didn't actually know how to process, or even identify, them at all. She was just good at shutting down emotionally when necessary, but she had no idea how to actually manage or read her emotions. It was little more than sweeping dirt under a rug: a false and temporary solution to a much bigger, broader problem.

So as grand as Kirumi's selfless devotion was, she was equally incapable of realizing just how harmful it could be. She spent so much time trying to care for others that she never took the time to know herself. Even worse, she would've never forgiven herself if any of her peers _had_ caught on to her true feelings about everything. But by constantly hiding from the very people her subconscious wanted to reach out to, not only was she neglecting herself and giving herself cognitive dissonance and continual uncertainty, but she was also pushing _them_ further and further away too. How were they supposed to relate to someone as cold, distant and blank as her?

She saw herself as a tool created solely for the purpose of serving others, and because she never explored this topic any deeper, she became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She made herself something less human than all the others. Kiibo may have been the Ultimate Robot, but in some ways, Kirumi was a very strong contender. She seemed beholden to a program, and incapable of operating outside of it. Heck, in some cases, even _Kiibo_ seemed more human, just because he was capable of a broader spectrum of emotions. Or at least, that was what some of the students liked to joke.

But there was something tragic about that, to think that Kirumi was trying to erase herself so completely, and all just because she didn't like the thought of letting her true self bloom and grow. And it was such a wasted opportunity! As a few of the smarter students had tried to mention to her, there was no shame in exploring herself or letting her emotions out more. On the contrary, it may open up new sides of herself she hadn't previously known existed, which could potentially be to her benefit. But because Kirumi did not want to suffer the mortification of being vulnerable, she continued to erase herself out of existence.

As such, even though others rightly realized how destructive Kirumi's selfless devotion was, Kirumi, herself, remained ignorant. Clever as she was, there were certain things she remained oblivious to and didn't realize that they were lessons she needed to learn. To her, simply being able to shut down her emotions was good enough because it allowed her to be more objective. But did she realize what she was destroying in the process?

And even when her peers were enjoying recreational activities, Kirumi still never understood how to join in. Sure, she didn't mind spectating and serving, and sure, she _did_ know how to _play_ their little games, but the deeper connection was always missing. She was always so used to being the overseer and caretaker that she had no idea how to be a participant. She was always on the lookout for one of the students to need her help, so she was never fully focused on the activities anyway. But even if she were, she was always so hyperaware of how everyone _else_ was playing that she would change her _own_ play style just to cater to _them_ anyway.

To Kirumi, these games were about keeping everyone safe and entertained while fulfilling her maidly duties to the best of her ability, so she was always playing with a slightly different mindset and end goal than everyone else. It was never really about the game itself, so perhaps that was why Kirumi always felt like she was on the outside looking in. Even when she was sitting with the others and playing with them, she was still more of an observer, supporter or side-character than an active player. But in some cases, she would quite literally stand off to the side and watch from the corner as everyone else enjoyed each other's company.

"Kirumi! Join us!" Kaede tried to wave the maid over. She'd come the closest out of any of them to breaking past Kirumi's constant maid mode, but even then, it had been a struggle. In fact, the only reason Kaede had been able to get through to Kirumi at all was because she phrased her message in a way that Kirumi would understand: she made it about benefitting clients. She'd told the maid that she needed to take better care of herself. At first, Kirumi had been offended that Kaede was telling her how to do her job, but after Kaede pointed out that Kirumi would be a better maid if she took better care of herself, that got Kirumi to listen. And even then, it had been a stretch.

Kirumi only responded to Kaede's invitation with a smile and a gentle shake of the head. Even if there was some part of her that _did_ want to feel like a part of the pack rather than just a lone wolf, that lone wolf side was so much stronger and older that she decided to continue to stand alone anyway. Maybe it looked strange to others, but it was familiar to her. She'd always been better off alone anyway. She'd always preferred to deal with her own issues privately. Whether or not that worked could be debated, but again, maybe it looked strange to others, but it was familiar to her.

Despite feeling a little lonely and awkward, standing there off to the side all by her lonesome, she also felt a sense of serenity, comfort, relaxation and protectiveness while watching over her friends from that physical and emotional distance. Like a shepherd guarding the flock from afar. It was dissonant, yes, but rather than confronting this confusion, she simply chose to turn it off instead.

Kirumi's feelings about being on the outside looking in were just too complex to be solved by a simple invitation to a game. She just wasn't quite sure how to act around any of them because she wasn't even sure who _she_ was. But rather than realizing this, she simply shrugged it off and carried on, ever watchful and waiting, and always on the outside looking in.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I'm sorry this isn't really a story and it may not even be that interesting, but I just HAD to write it anyway. Kirumi's a lone, lonely wolf who subconsciously wants to connect with her peers but has no idea how to so she remains at that the same airy distance she's always been at. And she forces herself to be content with it by citing her selfless devotion as a reason why she has to stay apart.


End file.
